As you may already know, on Sunday I had one of those sudden, unexpected, altogether frightening experiences that life hands you from time to time: I lost control of my car and wrecked it along a lonely stretch of interstate somewhere just east of Idaho Springs, Colorado.
The whole experience of utterly losing control of my car, and essentially my very existence, was cathartic, to say the least. I felt a thousand different emotions in the hours after the crash, from fear to relief to joy to frustration. That probably doesn't come across as shocking. Most people who escape situations where lives were at stake, including their own, typically have a strong emotional and/or spiritual response to the experience. I am no different in that regard. But hindsight is an interesting beast, and the virtue of a little reflection on the experience has exposed to me the story that God is writing through this little episode.
This afternoon, I opened up Donald Miller's Searching for God Knows What, looking for some additional context or inspiration for this blog post. Searching for God Knows What is a book I've owned for nearly 4 years and never read. I found the first few pages to be boring and stopped reading. But finishing the first chapter, I was struck by how relevant the truths explored in that first chapter were to my life right now. Consider the following section of Chapter One of Miller's book, entitled "Fine Wine: The Failure of Formulas":
"I know there are people who have actually gone from misery to happiness, but they didn't do it by walking through three steps; they did it because they had a certain set of parents and heard a certain song and knew somebody who had a certain experience and saw some movie, read some book, had something happen to them like a car wreck or a trip to Seattle. Then they called on God, and a week later read something in a magazine or met a girl in Wichita, and when all this had happened they had an epiphany, and somebody may have helped them fulfill what this epiphany made them feel, and several years later they rationalized this mystic experience with three steps, then they told the three steps to us in a book. I'm not saying they weren't trying to be helpful; I bring this up only because life is complex, and the idea that you can break it down or fix it in a few steps is rather silly.
The truth is there are a million steps, and we don't even know what the steps are, and worse, at any given moment we may not be willing or even able to take them; and still worse, they are different for you and me and they are always changing. I have come to believe the sooner we find this truth beautiful, the sooner we will fall in love with the God who keeps shaking things up, keeps changing the path, keeps rocking the boat to test our faith in Him, teaching us not to rely on easy answers, bullet points, magic mantras, or genies in lamps, but rather His guidance, His existence, His mercy, and His love."
-Donald Miller, Searching For God Knows What
This whole section just resonates with me... isn't this exactly how we are? We're constantly searching for answers to the big questions like "Why am I here?" or "How did I get to this point?" and we settle for the formulaic answer, which is "I did this, this happened, and consequently here we are." A + B = C. This comes out most clearly in how I explain to people what prompted me to uproot my entire life and move to Denver. I've answered this question 100 times, and each answer is different. Sometimes, I just say that the job offer was there or that I wanted to be a part of this amazing church plant. Sometimes, I share the full story of what was going on in my heart at the time. Sometimes, it's in between.
But is God really so simple that we can tie him to a formula? How much more straightforward life would be if that were the case! Would it be exciting to live in this way though? I leave that as an open question. Feel free to comment as you see fit. I think we too often attach qualities we see in ourselves to God, and this is no exception. We treat God as if He must respond to the events that happen instead of always acting with the fullness of knowledge of eternity past and eternity future that He possesses. Did God allow me to slide on the ice on I-70 because it was his only and best option for getting my attention after I moved to Colorado? I would be remiss if I were to say that this sort of thinking is complete and utter nonsense. And yet I think this way many times... like God is responding to my environment just as I do. He knows everything! He sees everything! His perfect knowledge of tomorrow, next week or next month is uncompromisingly clear, as unhindered as the pure, undefiled gold that resembles glass in Revelation 21:21. My car wreck was a big surprise to everyone, including me, but it didn't surprise God.
Let me step back a moment to address God's plan for me to move to Denver because it will provide some clarity to what is happening to me in this moment that is so profound.
My junior year in college was the first time that I finally "got it" about Jesus after 21 long years of His pursuit. It's been roughly 4 years since that time, and what a ride it has been. But in the fall of 2007, I stood facing an extra semester of school to finish up my dual degrees in Electrical Engineering and Economics. I was happy to have the extra semester because I hadn't the slightest clue what I really wanted to do with my life. I just knew I didn't want to sit around designing electrical components all day. The thought of that sort of hell really did frighten me (it may be Heaven for some, just not me). I also was convinced I would stay in Dallas, becoming a part of Watermark Community Church in Dallas. God must have chuckled at this point.
Meanwhile, many of my friends from my previous 4 years at SMU had graduated, and I was faced with the task of partially starting over by getting to know my younger friends better. Easier said than done. The more time I spent with them, the more I felt like a natural outsider. They had this bond built up over the preceding 2 years that I could not touch. And over my final semester at SMU, it became too much to ignore. By this time, most of my old SMU friends had gotten married and settled into their new lives. All the while, many of my closest friends from high school were in the process of being scattered. Two of them would remain in Lubbock, where they currently reside as Matt finishes his MBA. Danny got shipped off to New Orleans to work for Chevron. And though it didn't happen before I moved to Denver, this was that final confirmation after the fact that I had no business left in Dallas: a few months after I moved away, Adrian got into medical school at Tulane and was no longer around either.
At the same time, I came across Accenture. It seemed like a cool, young, up-and-coming company with a lot to offer a college grad like myself. I had applied elsewhere, but I didn't get past the first round anywhere else except with Raytheon's Financial Leadership Development Program. And then I endured the all-day, 7-interview Raytheon final process only to bomb 1-2 of the 7 interviews. That door was shut rather abruptly in my face. When Accenture asked me where I would like to be placed, I had no idea honestly. I had run from that question. I didn't want to deal with it. Against my better judgment, I chose Dallas as my first choice and Houston as my second. I was asked for a third choice and I gave none. I was that clueless about where I wanted to go. Again, God must have chuckled.
And then something funny happened. Accenture offered me a job, but not in Dallas or Houston. I was asked to choose locations yet again. By this time, I had been given a window of opportunity. As I explored joining Watermark in Dallas as a member, I found out that a couple of men (one of whom, the future lead pastor, I had seen speak but had never met) were exploring planting a church in Denver. Denver has always seemed like a cool place because I love skiing. It just so happens to be a haven for young professionals too. But what drew me there more than anything was the opportunity to be a part of a church plant. I hadn't communicated this to anyone, but hearing the stories at Watermark in Dallas of a few small families being faithful and God blessing them with incredible stories of life change in the community and a large, and growing, body of believers, I totally wanted to be a part of something like that. A small, powerful Gospel movement that grows to impact even a city as big as Dallas in radical ways. It's at this point that I knew God's calling on my life at this point was not to be a part of a church that was thousands strong.
So I chose Denver, Accenture found me a spot in the Denver office, and the rest, as they say, is history.
Well, almost.
I told a friend the other day that I was struggling to piece together my story of God's redemption in my life. I had a pretty clear grasp of the first 23 years of my life and the last year of my life, but that year of my life where I moved to Denver and established a new life here were something of a mystery in God's plan for me. I promised to this friend that I would contemplate the purpose of that "middle year" over the coming months. Given the accident and the words of Donald Miller, I'm a little wary of doing so at this point. I don't want the analysis of this time in my life to be clouded by my need to explain it in 3 simple steps. God is not that simple. My experience of Him should not be simple either. I hope it takes 3 months, or even a little more, to grasp even the slightest image of what God was doing in my life that got me to where I am now. No more simple answers. No more grasping for easy explanations. If my answer to what God is doing in my life is less than 5 minutes, I am to be pitied. I am missing it.
I couldn't possibly attempt to explore yet what is God's plan yet for this accident and how it will change the way I live (if I tried right now, I'd be violating my No Simple Answers corollary because it remains too close to the accident to comprehend it yet. In fact, I tried to explain what's going on to my City Group last night and it felt all jumbled and confused because I clearly didn't have a grasp of it yet. Just wait...), but I do want to share a few simple stories of the past year that may shed some light into what is going on in my world right now as God pursues not only capturing my heart in Christ (he already has it) but my heart in the daily pursuits, where it is so easy to chase the idols of money, stuff, girls, you name it.
First, I must share an old story that most people are not yet aware of... It was weird and awkward to share this before the accident... So around the time that I turned 24, I began having these semi-regular nightmares of myself dying at the age of 25. There weren't a lot of specifics, but the clear picture I was getting in these nightmares is that I would not live to see my 26th birthday. It is in this context that I wrote the following unpublished blog post on February 1st, 2009:
"I've had a weird sense lately that I wouldn't live past 25... I don't know what to make of it. It creeps back into my thoughts every few days. It could very well be a lie from the pit of Hell. It's just weird. But it has gotten me thinking more recently about what I would say if I only had one day left to live."
I feel like the crash experience was God's way of saying, "Stop worrying about numbering the days of your life. I'm in control. You're not. Stop being enslaved in even the slightest way to this countdown." The crash comes as sort of a release. Could I still be dead by the time 26 rolls around? Sure. But it is not of my concern. I've never really deeply feared death since I became a believer at 21, but the nightmare episode definitely gave me the jitters at times.
This isn't necessarily completely related to the nightmare episodes, but my emotions threatened to get the best of me on Sunday morning as I sat in McDonald's in Idaho Springs waiting for my friends to come pick me up. It's funny how your body just responds to situations like this. When I was sliding on the ice, I didn't feel fear. I was just stunned, and I instinctively braced for impact, which is why I ended up unhurt. Thank Almighty God for natural-borne instincts. Then, when my car came to a rest facing the wrong way on an interstate resting against the guardrail and it began to smoke from the front, my first reaction wasn't to freak but to put the car in park, turn the car off (it was still running), get my key out and get away from the car. Somehow, dying in a fireball from a car explosion isn't how a guy envisions meeting his Maker (as guys, we all want to be the hero, so unless we're pulling a beautiful maiden from the car and die protecting her from the explosion, car fires would never enter into our imaginations). And I did all of this with total knowledge of the cars speeding by me. Once again, I praise God for creating instincts within me that would take over and repress the emotional response until later.
It wasn't until I got to McDonald's, as I mentioned, that the emotions of the experience threatened to overwhelm me. On at least 2 occasions in the hour that I waited there for my friends, I nearly broke down and just cried, both out of relief at my narrow escape and out of horror at the terrible fate that so easily could have been my own. I completely felt like I was living on borrowed time. The only thing that stopped me was being at a McDonald's around a bunch of strangers who wouldn't understand.
It's funny how a cathartic experience causes you to question everything. I briefly considered quitting my job as I sat at that McDonald's. I promised myself that I would withhold not a single area of my life from my closest friends and from God... that everything in my life would be totally in His control and up for changing if it didn't conform to His Will. I hope that remains the case. Sometimes I wish I could constantly live in that state of adrenaline and emotion that follows something like this. It's good for us to think this way without having to go through anything. I think this is the essence of the parable of the rich man. Jesus asks him to sell everything and follow Him. But the rich man can't do it because his stuff is more important than God. I hope that there isn't anything in my life that I would put before God if God told me to pack/sell my things and go elsewhere.
Another interesting story... to show you the selfishness that infects your heart even when you feel blessed to be alive. When I got to church after my accident, I was actually hoping that the wreck would get mentioned during the announcements or by our pastor during the sermon (we are a small church, so these sorts of things do happen). It was a really raw, self-promotional type of sin that provoked this sort of desire. Like somehow the focus of the day should be on ME instead of on dealing with conflict within a marriage. It wasn't enough that my friends at church all showed their concern and told me they were glad that I was okay. It also wasn't enough that my Houston friends all saw me on the side of the road as they headed to the airport and were very concerned for my safety as well. I wanted it to be a focal point at my church. I found out later that night that it had been discussed at The Table in Houston... Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor?
Bet you didn't think there was any humor in a car accident. Guess what? There is. And joy. For a live that was saved from the brink of serious injury or death. And isn't that the story of the Gospel in a nutshell? I was careless, my life spun out of control, and God rescued me. He rescued me physically about 4 years after He rescued me spiritually. And I could not feel more alive.
