Good Friday indeed...

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son." Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed. - Hebrews 12:1-13, NIV

Couldn't have said it better myself.

This past Friday, Good Friday, I went with some friends to a Good Friday service at Ecclesia, a church I'd heard so much about but never been to before. I can't say enough about it. I've clearly been burned in the past by that sterile feeling you get when you walk into a traditional church building because I was first impressed by the vitality of the space. The angles of the room, the paintings on the wall, the fact that there weren't any people wearing slacks and a dress shirt. Refreshing. I felt like this was a place where the broken, the hurting, and the lost would feel welcome.

The service was entirely a responsive reading with some worship music mixed in. Very cool. And that's all I have to say about that.

Friday evening, I was in a fantastic mood. I don't usually get hyper, but I was hyper. I couldn't stop fidgeting in the middle of my row. It seemed an odd emotion to have in the middle of a Good Friday service. So I prayed in the middle of the service for God to show me the weight of my sin.

God had a number of responses for this, some of them absolutely mind-blowing. But I will share but one example of this for now. Soon after my prayer, I had this vision of myself from 2004 or 2005. I was in McCord Auditorium, on the 3rd floor of Dallas Hall at SMU. For those of you who aren't familiar with McCord Auditorium, it's a huge lecture hall with blue padded seats arranged around a big open area for lecturing, etc. There's also a non-trivial video booth in the back. In other words, one of the bigger classrooms on campus.

This room used to be the main meeting hall for Campus Crusade for Christ (CRU) and the other ministries that partnered together as CRU (CRU has now become 128 and no longer meets in McCord). I must admit I have a bit of nostalgia for that old, musty room. So much so that I had a picture of me taken in that room when I graduated just so I would remember vividly how it used to be. Much of the nostalgia, of course, has to do with CRU and its effect on me and my journey toward faith in Christ.

I digress. I had this vision of McCord and some of the old topics that used to flow through my mind when I was there. I remember vividly my overriding concern for my image as I stood in that room and attempted (poorly) to sing along with the words on the screen. I felt all kinds of weird singing out loud in worship to God. But, then again, I had no discernable relationship with Him at the time, so why would I feel comfortable? It was in this moment of the vision that I realized how much has happened in those 5+ years.

As I contemplated my fragile, nervous self of 2004/2005, I sang along with the worship music at Ecclesia. Now, I can't imagine how I was once afraid of singing out loud in case someone actually heard me. I love singing along to worship songs, and I don't care who hears me. It's something I look forward to, not something I shy away from. Of course, my motivation is less others' approval and more the love of Jesus.

That's the beginning of my burden that Jesus took upon Himself on Calvary. People-pleasing. Fear. Love of Self. Nervousness. Anxiety. Embarrassment.

I wept softly in that darkened room when I looked at myself before/after Christ. Tears of joy at a life that was not only changed but redirected.

And, as I say, that was only the beginning.

I wish I could explain the rest, but that will have to wait for another day when the events are not so fresh and God gives me the words to communicate it all.

But the essence of the rest can be summed up in this:

I used to despise the Lord's discipline. I hated being told I'm wrong. I'm always right, aren't I? Well, it was quite apparent this weekend how utterly foolish I can be. I am Reed, and I am a believer who struggles with control, pride, and an obsessive need to make people like me by putting on a good face and entertaining a crowd. But I am so thankful that my foolishness was revealed to me this weekend because it is only in those times when the consequences are most acute that I'm willing to be open to the Lord's change. Frustration drives me to the cross in a way that success never will. So today I am thankful for His discipline.

I leave you with a little poem I wrote a couple of weeks ago. It is unfinished, but I can't figure out how to end it, so it will have to stay like this for now. I hope it will encourage you and I to toss aside whatever face we think the world will appreciate most and instead live freely for Jesus without having to hide and mask how we really feel.

"The Mask, It Always Feels Better"

From birth to death,
Beginning to end,
The Mask, It Always Feels Better.

When home alone,
Or out with friends,
The Mask, It Always Feels Better.

On a nervous first date,
Or Married for years,
The Mask, It Always Feels Better.

The closest of friends,
The vilest of enemies...
The Mask, It Always Feels Better.

It's all going your way,
Or it's never been worse,
The Mask, It Always Feels Better.

When you're getting hitched,
Or finalizing divorce,
The Mask, It Always Feels Better.

First day on campus,
Or graduation day...
The Mask, It Always Feels Better.

Conscience is free,
Or guilt is heavy,
The Mask, It Always Feels Better.

In a whole 'nother place,
Or right down the street,
The Mask, It Always Feels Better.

Happy Easter, my friends!