Day by day, God reveals more and more to me how much of a war there is out there for our hearts. I can't stress it enough: the battle to be authentic is a fiery and costly one. And I don't even know what authenticity fully looks like. I have but a glimpse so far into Biblical authenticity. But I can assure you of at least one thing. This is not some peripheral skirmish to the warfront. This is a central front in the war effort. Authenticity is very costly. It is never easy. But it is always worth it.
I see this playing out in my life in many ways, but the best illustration of this is how I treat that tired, ordinary question of "How are you doing?" Now, people don't generally ask that expecting this long, drawn-out, torturous expression of the crap you just experienced last week, but that tired response of "I'm good" or "I'm fine" just comes out way too easily. I have become so used to one of those two phrases coming out of my mouth that it's like second nature these days. I hardly even think before saying them anymore. How much harder is it to really answer the question honestly?
Truthfully, it is a lot harder. Because if one says they are doing poorly (or even doing exceedingly well), that type of response requires further explanation. It requires further opening up of my life to the exploration of others. It requires effort, and I'm just not willing in many cases to make that effort. Whether it's fear of others rejecting me for not being perfect (which it is sometimes) or not caring about others enough to let them know more about me (which it can be as well) or whatever, it is so much easier to be short and trite and incomplete. That is what I mean when I say that authenticity is a major battle in the most important war I can see: the war to grow in godliness as we learn to trust the God who created us (and died for us) by allowing others to see us and encourage us and point out our blind spots that we would never see in a million years (or we see or just don't want to deal with).
I run with a group of folks who inspire me. Every time we're together talking about our lives, I'm personally challenged to make God a greater priority in my life and, ultimately, to fall more in love with Jesus. I don't want to hide. I want to be open about everything there is to know about me. And yet despite having an amazing group of folks around me, I still want to be hidden and lone and solitary. That is when I see how deeply in my flesh I want to hide and believe the lie that I'm better off struggling alone. That no one will understand me. That I'm different. That my struggle is weird and will bring shame upon me if I dare to reveal it.
And sometimes I worry that I'm sincerely captivated by Satan's lie that this life is better. Alone, afraid, secret, and, at least for the moment, "safe." The psychology of sin is really fascinating. Things we wouldn't believe about our friends we suddenly make our own. We wouldn't tell our friends to keep things bottled up. We wouldn't advise friends to close themselves off, to struggle alone. What we want in others, to open up and let their problems be known, to get help, is exactly the opposite of what we (me included) do in our personal lives. Does this make any sense at all? Not unless you understand the selfishness of yourself. The I-want-what-I-think-is-best-for-me-at-all-costs mentality. The deep, abiding relationship we have with sin. The love we have for that pet sin in our lives that may be tearing us up but is so much easier for us to manage and control (sort of) if others don't know about it.
Einstein once spoke of two infinite realities: the universe and human stupidity. One seriously wonders if we understand that human sinfulness is of infinite capacity. Which is why infinite sinfulness of mankind required an infinite sacrifice (Jesus) to properly deal with it, now and for all eternity.
May we better contemplate today the cross in light of the natural inclinations of our hearts away from God, toward sin, and ultimately away from the authenticity we are claim we crave. Is today the day we need to come clean, to reflect on our need for God, and approach someone close and ask for their help (and God's) in battling some terribly deep and secret struggle in our lives? For me, that process has begun, but it is far from completion, and I am still not nearly as authentic about my struggles as I wish I were. I like being king of my own domain. It is a struggle to allow Christ's Lordship to permeate every aspect of my life. A struggle I can't win on my own. A struggle I need God to participate in. I'm like the lone guy standing on one side playing tug-of-war against a dozen world-class bodybuilders. I don't stand a chance. But then God shows up, and suddenly the bodybuilders don't have the strength and fortitude to overcome God and me. Or God alone for that matter.
God, I need your strength and your Spirit just to approach your throne and seek you further. May tomorrow be a day where I intentionally seek you and grow closer to you. Every day I distance myself from God or I grow closer to Him. It's my choice and God's power. And that's the best partnership one could ask for.
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